Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed