Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
My god she’s good.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
i- i did not expect this
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*