Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
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cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
not seeing the problem
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache