Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
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Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*