*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
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Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.