the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.