That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
tell em, edith-anne
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones