help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Basically.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*