I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Seas the day!!!!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training