Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
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Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Kids: Stay in school.
I’ve had relationships like this
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.