[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.