my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
An odd boast
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.