It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
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LMAO.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June