Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
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I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.