Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
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Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.