A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….