I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
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Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex