You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
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The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Happy weekend !
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life