Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!