*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Sunday
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.