If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that