*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.