Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
You Might Also Like
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Can’t. About to go please some beans
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.