Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
You Might Also Like
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*