Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.