…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I feel it
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My work here is don’t.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question