Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
We decided to have money instead of children.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died