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me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
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My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage