Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
You Might Also Like
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I think about this a lot
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to