5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
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Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?