What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.