“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.