dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
You Might Also Like
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.