What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
You Might Also Like
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave