My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.