If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
They got Raph!
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark