Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
is this how new cars are made??
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl