ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]