ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
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I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet