Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
How all things should be taught/explained.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that