Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
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wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.