My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
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Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.