Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
greetings!
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb