Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
just leave it at the foot of the bed
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.