Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
SCARY COSTUME
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Become ungovernable.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The Birdles
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it