Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
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Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
*gets down on one knee*
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.