Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?