relationship goals
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
That’s easy for you to say
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.