People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
…żyje?
set yourself free xox
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Potatoes were such a good idea
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic