Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.